fat and skinny asses

absolutely.

2012-01-26T01:20:00.000-05:00

You want to find someone who will pick you up from the airport. It’s such a kind gesture but also one you would expect from someone who loved you a reasonable amount. The thought of having to wait for a shuttle while others are embracing their loved ones on the curb might just be too much for your little heart to bear. Where’s your car full of love? Where are the people who are going to make you feel welcome in this city? And, no, you are NOT going to take a taxi. You have too many friends who like you WAY too much for you to be taking that nonsense. Right? Hello? I’M AT TERMINAL 3. WHERE ARE THE PEOPLE THAT LOVE ME? Dear god, people have started to hug on the curb. Come quick!

You want to live closer to your parents. It’s not because you need to see them more. God no! Who would ever do a thing like that? It’s for if you ever wanted to see them. If their health took a turn for the worse, god forbid, or if you ever felt lonely and needed to just sleep in a home that felt warm and loved, you could do it. Living far away from them has its advantages but you’re starting to realize how much you miss out on by being on the opposite end of the country. If you lived in the same city as your parents, feeling safe and secure would just be one phone call and a twenty minute drive away.

You want to be “stable” and see yourself make real progress. You would love to find the key to adulthood (Um, I think I saw it at Crate & Barrel next to the colanders) and not want to get drunk at happy hour anymore. It’s quickly turning into unhappy hour and you’re trying hard not to become a casualty of your age. You want nothing more than just to make it through the twentysomething rain and land on a nice job, a nice couch that wasn’t purchased from IKEA, and, most importantly, someone’s nice dick and/ or vagina.

You want to develop a backbone and start saying no to having lunch with the random friend from high school. In fact, you want to abolish “catch up” lunches altogether. People are either in your life as it happens or not in it at all. Sitting through these elaborate brunches with people who once meant something to you but no longer make sense, and talking about how great your lives are going while reflecting on the good ol’ days is a slow form of masochistic torture. It feels like performance art: *INSERT SMILE HERE* and *INSERT “I’M IN A REALLY GOOD PLACE. HOW ABOUT YOU?” HERE*. You’ve been through so many lunches like this that you could practically do them in your sleep. In fact, you should probably just arrive to the restaurant 15 minutes early and place a giant stuffed animal in the chair in place of you and run out before your old school chum arrives. Don’t worry, they won’t notice! You can even attach a tape recorder and have it come on intermittently to say things like, “You look great! Can I have the Egg’s Benedict?” Or my personal fave catch-up topic, “I saw on Facebook that you two broke up. What happened?”

You want to know that you’re not insane, that there are other 24-year-olds have never been in a relationship before, or that other people have gotten too drunk and vomited on their taxi driver before and it’s all okay because this is growing up. Or something. You’re not actually sure. You never received an official manual but you figure that this is what it’s all about — feeling alienated and vomiting on strangers and never having as much sex as you would like. You just want to know that the things you’re going through aren’t unique, that other people are in the same rickety brokedown palace of a boat. I mean, you don’t mind being crazy so long as there are people out there who are equally as psycho. You’d prefer it if they were actually crazier than you, so you could feel good about yourself and where you’re at in your life.

You want a job, a vacation, heath insurance, validation, a back rub, a scalp massage at the place where you get your haircut, people who are jealous of you, an ex who won’t stop texting you when they’re drunk, Twitter followers, happiness maybe sorta, someone to buy you lunch at a fancy restaurant, a mentor who can tell you what the hell to do with your life, a reliable internet connection, a reliable human connection, a gift card to the grocery store, dinner parties with friends where everyone will pretend to have their crap together for just one night, a nice flirty text message to wake up to every morning for the rest of your life, for everyone to like you even if you don’t like anyone, and one of those nights that doesn’t end till 9 AM and reminds you what it feels like to be young and alive. Oh, and $$$. That’s all. Think you can get that for me? For us?

— Ryan O’Connell—

this is the new year.

2011-12-22T23:36:00.002-05:00

1. gym.
2. no cigarettes.
3. no meat + minimal (to no) dairy.

peeeeeens.

get out.

2011-08-23T14:38:00.001-04:00

i'm sick of waiting for people who aren't waiting for me. but maybe they feel the same way.

curve appeal.

2011-08-17T09:55:00.003-04:00

this whole movement of people letting their bodies carry, instead of confine them, is more enlightening and inspiring than it gets credit for.

easy on the eyes.

i can feel it it my bones.

2011-08-16T23:20:00.002-04:00

i'm tired of sleeping in and i want to go places with you.

"as we drive up the river road, there are sixty thousand trees which i see but do not touch. like me, amanda is confined in the speeding jeep, but she touches every tree."

i'm ready to go.

2011-07-09T20:45:00.002-04:00

in an ideal world:

go to austin in october and fall in love with everything. transition to charity by design at work. work work work. visit seattle or portland. fall in love with everything. work work work. take a leave of absence. drive across country. go to burning man. wwoof for a few months. back to real life. move somewhere new. fall in love with everything.

because, "they say california is a recipe for a black hole and i say i've got my best shoes on, i'm ready to go."

un elefante!!

2010-09-09T22:01:00.003-04:00

soon this elephant will be tattooed on my leg. i am the happiest ever. it is the most perfect photograph of my favorite animal that i have ever seen. ever.

preachin' post-its.

2010-08-25T19:09:00.007-04:00

"ACT IN A MANNER
THAT EXPRESSES
YOUR SINCERE
INTENTIONS."

esquire.

2010-04-20T14:26:00.003-04:00

okay i don't EVER post 2x in a day. and no one reads this BUT it's no secret that i think zooey deschanel is basically the prettiest girl alive. however, i might have a new female celebrity crush even though i've never seen her act in anything. i accidentally found out that christina hendricks was voted most beautiful woman or whatever by esquire so i had to google her. and WHAT, she is basically gorgeous...for a redhead. she is seriously insanely good looking.

twenty-three.

2010-03-02T23:16:00.007-05:00

so much has changed in a year. i really can't believe i am going to be 23 in a week. it's sort of disgusting, but i don't want to dwell on anything. i've changed a lot in the past year, and experienced a lot more than i ever had in previous ones. especially in relationships and within myself. i'm not sure if i'm happier or sadder or more well-intentioned, but i'm smarter. i have that at least. i have a better sense of myself. i have a better idea of who and what is important. i learned a lot about myself and other people. while i feel like i wasted a lot of time on others, looking back, i really didn't. i don't have any regrets when it comes to other people over the last year. my only regrets are academically, but all i can do is do better.

last year around my birthday was really fun. i went out to dinner with good friends at sunset. and went to our house. and then the pill. we danced on the stage and i really had an amazing time. everyone who i wanted to be there was, and then some. i hope this year is fun too.

nostalgia....

19th birthday at snhu:

20th birthday, first one in the city:

21st birthday...for some reason i have no photos, but this is 4/20 at umass about a month later:

and my 22nd, hangin' at sunset then dancing at the pill:

push and pull.

2010-01-17T13:01:00.006-05:00

i am finally becoming whole again after being sad for far too long. i let my emotions get the best of me because i wanted to feel desired and when that didn't happen i beat myself up over it. but every night when i get treated poorly in my dreams it only makes me stronger. it makes me happier to know that i'm further from the problem. emotionally and physically. i got too involved. against the best advice a friend can give i let my heart get hurt.

and to expand that distance there are fingertip bruises on my calf. they might be a sign of irresponsibility, but at the same time they are helping me put the pieces back together. i feel more powerful. i know what i'm not missing out on. and while it's all fun and games i still just want someone to come home to and to laugh with. and to discover things with. so why is that the hardest thing in the world to find?

but i know why i am unable to. i need to stop looking. i am bits and pieces of a person and while i'm slowly gathering myself up into some semblance of a human being, i am not complete enough to be whole for a significant other. but i search anyway because i like the way it feels to be looked at and wanted.

i have a bad memory,

2010-01-15T00:42:00.005-05:00

this is a "look at the last decade." i'll start every year with how i rang it in, if i can even remember. i think i blocked out most of the end of middle school haha.

2000! (end of 7th grade - beginning of 8th)
-celebrated in vermont at our old house with my mom. we stood outside when the clock struck midnight and i was really pissed that there weren't explosions and fireworks and crazy shit happening all over the world.
-spent 3 weeks travelling around england, ireland, and wales with a bunch of kids my own age and a few chaperones. fell in love with ireland and wanted to marry all the boys.
-i finally quit karate after 5 years.
-started playing softball and owned every single person at first base.

2001! (8th - 9th grade)
-rang in the new year at emily wilson's house. i think we had fireworks. a lot of people were there. good times.
-was in my first play. "the pajama game."
-had an undefeated softball season.
-got hit in the head with a softball and still have a bump.
-spent the summer as a CIT at the ymca. hated it. reported someone as a child molester and no one did anything, years later said dude got arrested for raping / molesting a bunch of girls under 14 at a different ymca.
-started high school.
-moved to annis street because my grandparents had moved in with us and we needed a bigger house.
-smoked weed for the first time.
-skipped school for the first time.
-spent 9/11 freaking out because my dad left that morning for a business trip and i forgot where he went.

2002 (9th-10th)
-cannot remember how i spent the new year. i probably didn't do anything.
-this year kind of sucked. i was pretty awful during early high school.
-went to my first concert - weezer and saves the day with kiki, jess and erin.
-didn't make the softball team, spent the day crying and not going to classes. found out i didn't make it cause i'd be away all of spring break.
-went to france for a week.
-skipped school and went on my first "date" but i brought erin and kim along haha.
-started sophomore year with my first legit "head over heels" crush and he ended up dating my best friend.
-started going to shows at the sad cafe.
-first piebald x-mas show in andover!
-got wasted for the first time off booze skimmed from my dad's liquor bottles.
-skipped more school.

2003 (10th-11th)
-again, don't remember how i spent new years haha.
-contintued to go to more shows / get drunk / smoke.
-got my first job at star market in north andover.
-had a show at my mom's house in the basement.
-met the "methuen kids"
-my friend and her boyfriend (first real crush) broke up and she went to australia for 3 weeks. we made out while she was gone and he was my first real kiss. late bloomer?
-i think this is when we started going to ambry shows...i don't remember.
-2nd piebald x-mas.

2004 (11th-12th grade)
-i THINK erin and i spent new years at my dad's with his friends.
-got my license at some point.
-quit star market and worked at perfecto's for a hot minute.
-skipped school with melissa and went to boston on my birthday.
-went to california for a week.
-continued to go to shows.
-spent the summer spending all my savings.
-joined leaders at the ymca.
-started having parties at my mom's house.
-spent fall of my senior year slacking off and never going to school.
-3rd piebald x-mas.

2005 (12th - umass)
-had a huge 2k5 party at my mom's. best time ever.
-spent most of the rest of the academic year grounded, so i lied a lot and snuck out.
-got a job at stop & shop.
-turned 18 and got my first piercings.
-managed to graduate somehow.
-got tattood for the first time.
-had more parties at my mom's.
-went off to college at umass.
-met rain and all my psk friends, had an amazing time.
-backpacked in boston a lot to visit erin.
-4th piebald x-mas.

2006 (umass - boston)
-spent the new year wicked sick and hanging out in a hotel room under blankets.
-went back to umass and rain and i could finally live together. we pretty much turned into hermits and decided to leave umass and go to boston.
-got really wasted on cinco de mayo in east boston and tried to get my 2nd tattoo the next day, bled A LOT. but it's a best friend tattoo w/ erin and i love it.
-spent most of the summer in east boston with melissa getting fucked up and eating blams and freezepops.
-at the end of the summer she basically moved into my mom's.
-didn't work all summer and did chores for 10-20 bucks a week.
-moved to kelton street in allston with erin and went to umass boston.
-partied too much, never went to class, smoked and drank almost every day.
-melissa lived with us for awhile.
-got a job at jasmine sola in harvard square.

2007 (umass - ulowell - tenacity)
-celebrated new years with rain, sitting on kelton street and making balloon animals. we partied too hard the night before and were too sleepy to rage.
-continued to ruin my life on kelton street and in allston.
-got switters! the furry love of my life.
-broke my hand while wearing a toga. needed surgery. had too much fun with pain killers.
-quit jsola and got a job working at rubin's.
-decided to leave umass and move home and go to ulowell.
-went to school part time and worked as a paraprofessional in lawrence.
-got laid off, found a job with americorps at tenacity in brighton.
-decided to take time off from school and move back to the city.

2008
-got way fucked up on new years with melissa, devin, krystal and matt.
-moved to quint ave.
-had the worst night of my life.
-worked a million hours every week and fell in love with my job.
-went to tons of baseball games.
-went to argentina.
-spent the summer working at ringer playground and getting ridiculously tan.
-had so many good parties on quint ave.
-went part time to simmons and part time to umass for fall semester.
-got a job at monroe salt works.
-spent christmas in cancun.

2009
-there was a new years party on quint. spent time there and also walked to josh's with ora.
-moved to mission hill.
-started going to simmons full time.
-had so much fun going to bars on the hill.
-started going to karaoke.
-dated matt all summer.
-moved home for the summer to my dad's...hardly worked. spent most of it by the pool.
-moved to jp in the fall. disliked my living situation immensely and spent most of my time in the valley.
-started working at boing and then stopped going one day.
-got a dwi.
-slacked off wicked hard in school.
-cared too much and invested too much time in someone who wasn't worth it at all.
-went to costa rica for christmas. didn't want to come home.

2010!!!!!!!!!!!11
-spent new years at a party in allston with all of my friends. had so much fun.
-moved to brookline.
-sat on this couch and filled this out and probably forgot TONS of things. woops.

i'm on the run from the killer b's.

2009-11-05T23:16:00.005-05:00

"'And what is your faith, exactly, Mr. Switters? What do you believe in?'
'Umm. Well. I try not to.'
'You try not to believe?'
'That's right. I'm on the run from the Killer B's.'
'Pardon? What have killer bees got to do with?...'
'B for Belief. B for Belonging. The B's that lead to most of the killing in the world. If you don't Belong among us, then you're our inferior, or our enemy, or both, and you can't Belong with us unless you Believe what we Believe. Maybe not even then, but it certainly helps. Our religion, our party, our tribe, our town, our school, our race, our nation. Believe. Belong. Behave. Or Be Damned.'
'But human beings have-'
'A need to belong somewhere, to believe in something? Yeah, Sister-if I may call you that-they seem to. It's virtually genetic. I'm on guard against it, and it still overtakes me. The concern is that we may annihilate ourselves before we can evolve, or mutate, beyond it, but you may rest assured that, even if we survive, as long as we're driven to Belong and Believe, we'll never be at peace, and we'll never be free.'"

for melissa and how weird i am.

2009-10-06T14:28:00.003-04:00

ok so last friday night after i left melissa's i was super stoned and eating pizza/ranch doritos. i really wanted the spicy ones but i was afraid they'd be too spicy and i had the munchies and really needed something. i would have shopped longer at 7-11 at 4am but there were a million kids in there and it was freaking me out. so i grabbed 'ritos and ran.

when i got home i had to pee and that's when i realized that i have this ritual every time i go in any bathroom (not public) and i started to wonder if anyone does it too. okay so if there is a shower in there and the curtain is closed i always, and i mean ALWAYS pull it back, usually super hastily, to see if anyone / thing is lurking behind it. i have to do it. sometimes even when the curtain is open i punch where it's all bunched up to one side to make sure nothing is there. i don't know if it's because i watched hitchcock's psycho as a kid and now i have this subconscious fear that someone is waiting for me to be vulnerable and then they'll attack. who knows. but sometimes i forget to do it and then i'll be peeing and have to lean over to the shower and swing the curtain really hard. something's wrong with me.

something else that's weird about me is that eyeballs make me want to throw up. well, most people know that. they know not to ask me if there's something in their eye or to show me images of eyeballs close up because i get legit freaked out. 2 yrs ago at the optometrist's office i couldn't pass the eye-puff test because i kept blinking right when it would go off. because i kept failing i had to get eyeball numbing eye drops so they could check for glaucoma. it was one of the most traumatizing experience of my life. it felt horrible and weird and it's making me nauseous to think about it now. ANYWAY sometimes i get this weird rush of thoughts where i think about being stabbed in the eyeball. it usually happens when i'm holding a pen or the box cutter at work. i am cringing right now writing about it because it's forcing me to think about it. i seriously get so worked up i make faces and shudder. people who see me doing it probably think that i have a twitch. but i can't help it and i'm honestly freaking out in the library right now as i type this.

okay that's it. two things that i've never told anyone about myself. weird.

hi melissa.

karaoke fun time.

2009-08-02T12:42:00.003-04:00

i have the best friends in the world. last night was epic. but when isn't karaoke the best night of my life? i danced so much that sweat was literally rolling off of my forehead. even krystal shimmied a little! we sang sugar ray and it was such a go. i honestly never have a bad time at gaythorne hall. krystal and i know how to pull it off right. sit by the pool all day and eat a delicious grilled dinner, then go to the kofc, drink pitchers and sometimes play pinball, then finish off the night with wendy's and tv. perfect. there were so many people there last night. jena almost punched a girl out and erin went nuts. xbillx fell in love. and well, i'm always in love with everyone.

krystal and i woke up at noon, i probably could have slept all day. my bionic hand feels a little weird, but everything seems to be in place. i hope it's better soon. i'd cry if i had to have surgery again. in a minute i gotta go shower because my mom and i are going into boston to go to the mspca then see "500 days of summer" and get some dinner. i want to be zoey deschanel. SO BAD.

i am feeling something weird, a twinge that i never expected to experience before. but maybe it's good? i don't like it, but i do at the same time. ughhhhh.

TWO THINGS:
-if krystal ever uses her scanner i'll have a bunch of sweet polaroids on the internet.
AND
-MELISSA YOU ONLY GOT ONE PICTURE OF DEVIN'S PARENTS?! LETDOWNNN.

my patronus is an elephant.

2009-07-31T23:39:00.004-04:00

i'm sitting on my dad's couch watching "harry potter and the order of the phoenix," cuddling with a rat. well, it might as well be. this dog is gross. it's what happens when a miniature poodle and an italian greyhound are allowed to mate. it's also the runt of the litter. oh little matilda, you are offensive to the k-9 community. and for some reason this creature LOVES me. everytime i walk in the door and she's here she hops up and down and tries to lick my mouth. as gross as she is, i do have a soft spot for yucky matilda.

i am really happy at the moment. not even the slightest bit regretful and 100% content. it's going to be better this time, i'm going to be better this time. i almost forgot how much i like sleeping next to matt, even when we're sweaty and the weather is humid. i'm looking forward to spending time with him again and seeing where things go. it's definitely helping me to have a more positive outlook on things, i had been sort of bumming lately.

being a witch would be sort of cool, i think i'd always be losing my way around hogwarts though.

ocean breathes salty

2009-07-30T14:41:00.003-04:00

i feel like i have this story to tell. it's slipping through my pores and filling up my mouth. it takes a lot of restraint to not open the file on my desktop and plaster it on the walls. and that isn't some metaphor for life. this 2 page word document screams at me every time i turn on the computer. i have to keep windows and files open over it to stifle the noise. and even though people know the story, i'm afraid for more to know the truth, because if it hurts me to read, i can't imagine how it would make other people feel. people who care about me. it's a healthy anger, but one that i'm not strong enough to address.
the inhibiting white noise keeps me from participating in what's "normal." and i pretend to be okay, and not hurt anymore, but the scar is deep and reoccuring. it's baggage on top of baggage on top of baggage. i'm tired.