push and pull.

i am finally becoming whole again after being sad for far too long. i let my emotions get the best of me because i wanted to feel desired and when that didn't happen i beat myself up over it. but every night when i get treated poorly in my dreams it only makes me stronger. it makes me happier to know that i'm further from the problem. emotionally and physically. i got too involved. against the best advice a friend can give i let my heart get hurt.

and to expand that distance there are fingertip bruises on my calf. they might be a sign of irresponsibility, but at the same time they are helping me put the pieces back together. i feel more powerful. i know what i'm not missing out on. and while it's all fun and games i still just want someone to come home to and to laugh with. and to discover things with. so why is that the hardest thing in the world to find?

but i know why i am unable to. i need to stop looking. i am bits and pieces of a person and while i'm slowly gathering myself up into some semblance of a human being, i am not complete enough to be whole for a significant other. but i search anyway because i like the way it feels to be looked at and wanted.